If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to sleep inside a sauna and a freezer at the same time, while also being unable to sleep at all, then congratulations! You’ve unlocked the magical mystery tour known as perimenopause. That delightful time when your body decides to play Hormonal Roulette and your sleep schedule looks like a toddler got hold of it and scribbled all over the place. What’s that? You used to enjoy a full eight hours of uninterrupted sleep? Well, those days are behind you now, mi amigo.
Welcome to perimenopause, where the night sweats are hotter than your ex, the insomnia is more persistent than your neighbour’s car alarm, and your hormones? Oh, they’ve just gone feral. Let’s take a hilarious (because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry) look at the sleep-stealing madness that is perimenopause.
the hormonal hijacking
First, let’s talk about the hormones. Remember when your body used to do nice, predictable things like menstruate on schedule? Well, now those same hormones have decided to stage a coup worthy of an Aaron Sorkin screenplay. Oestrogen, progesterone, and all those other ones you didn’t even know existed? Yeah, they’ve gone rogue.
Instead of working together like a well-oiled machine, your hormones are now more like a group of two year olds after eating an entire bowl of blue M&Ms, each one running in a different direction, wreaking havoc. Sometimes, they drop your body temperature, and sometimes they set you on fire like you’re a contestant on a really weird game show called “Guess What’s Happening to Your Body Now?” Spoiler: you never win. Not a speedboat, a teasmaid, or the tax-free cash to be seen (1).
night sweats: hell’s alarm clock
Speaking of fire, let’s get to night sweats, one of perimenopause’s greatest hits, not a lesser known super group from the 1970s BTW. Remember those cosy nights when you could curl up under a duvet and wake up refreshed? Well, not anymore! Now, you wake up at 3AM drenched in sweat, wetter than an otter’s pocket, like you’ve just run a marathon across the Okavango Delta, except you’re in bed, and the only marathon you ran was scrolling through Instagram before falling asleep. You’re a hot mess, and not in the cool Gen Z sense, sadly.
Night sweats are no ordinary sweats though, Ooooooh no, these are the type of sweats that make you question everything. Your entire body suddenly becomes a human radiator, and you start to wonder if you’re being punished for something you did in a past life. Did you once insult an ancient goddess of temperature regulation? I bet you did! It would explain a lot… Your prayers won’t help you now, dear.
The worst part? You wake up, throw off your duvet in a sweaty rage, only to find yourself freezing 15 minutes later. SO! You put the duvet back on, and the cycle starts all over again; it’s like your body is running a malfunctioning thermostat. Too hot, too cold, too tired to care anymore. Sounds pretty bleak, right? Yeah, it’s not ideal (2).
insomnia: starring you and your wide-awake brain
Ah, insomnia, the one-two punch of perimenopause. If the night sweats don’t get you, the insomnia certainly will… You might start off the evening with high hopes, tonight will be the night you sleep! You’ll go to bed early, turn off your phone, and try all the mindfulness tricks you’ve heard about (most of which involve imagining you’re a calm cloud, which, by the way, doesn’t work because the only cloud you can picture is a storm cloud, and that storm is called rage).
Then, you lie there… and lie there… and lie there some more. Your brain, that beautiful traitor, decides this is the perfect time to replay every awkward conversation you’ve had since 1997. Did you really need to tell your boss that story about your neighbour’s cat? What if your friend didn’t really mean it when she said she liked your haircut? Your brain takes the time to chew on these deep thoughts while you lie awake, watching the minutes on the clock tick by like the countdown to your inevitable meltdown. Without the quirky theme tune though, unless you write your own. You’ve got time, it’s not like you’ll be sleeping any time soon!
And if that’s not bad enough, once you do finally fall asleep, it’s often just in time to be woken up again by a night sweat. It’s a sleep deprivation cycle so brutal, it could be used as an interrogation technique. Come come Mrs Bond, you get just as much fulfilment from night sweats as I do… (Classic Man with the Golden Gun quote.) (3)
the bedtime ritual: now with extra weirdness
Pre-perimenopause, your bedtime routine was simple: wash face, brush teeth, get into bed, and sleep. Now, it’s a military operation that involves at least five different layers of clothing (to be taken off and put back on throughout the night), a fan running at full blast, a glass of water on the nightstand, and possibly an entire pharmacy’s worth of herbal remedies.
One minute you’re wrapped in flannel pyjamas, the next you’re stripping down like you’re about to streak through a football match. You have to plan for every possible temperature fluctuation, which means the bedroom starts to look like an explosion in a bedding factory (good band name), layers everywhere, discarded socks tossed across the room in frustration, and a duvet that’s mostly hanging off the side of the bed because you’ve kicked it off for the tenth time that night. Poor thing…
By the time you’ve managed to settle, you’re so exhausted from all the preparation that you’re ready to collapse into sleep… only for your brain to kindly remind you it’s time to start the overthinking portion of the night. The classic episode of This is Your Life is about to begin, and you definitely didn’t ask for it.
emotional roller coaster? more like an emotional tilt-a-whirl
Thanks to the hormone party happening in your body, your emotions are on a constant roller coaster, which doesn’t exactly help with sleeping peacefully. One minute, you’re crying over a cat food advert, and the next you’re angry because the duvet isn’t cooperating with your temperature demands. (How very dare it!)
It’s hard to drift off to sleep when your brain is playing emotional whack-a-mole. You’ll try to relax, but then out of nowhere, you remember that time someone cut you off in traffic last week, and now you’re irrationally angry again. Or worse, you’ll have a moment of profound sadness because you suddenly miss things like… sleep, or the 1990s band Savage Garden. Then again, don’t we all?!
This emotional roller coaster makes sleep seem like a distant memory, the kind of thing that other people—those lucky, smug people—get to experience, while you lie awake feeling all the feelings, and have two songs on repeat in your mind, both involving rollercoasters, one by Ronan Keating, the other by Simply Red. Both not good. (4)
how to survive (and laugh through the madness)
So, after all this talk of things being bleak, how do you survive perimenopause when sleep has become some mythical creature you only see in the distance? Well, here are a few tips (none of which will solve your hormonal mess, but they might make you giggle through it):
- The Layering Game: Accept that your bedroom is now a battlefield of fabric. Invest in layers; light pyjamas, extra blankets, a small fan you can call number 1, and possibly an ice pack for your face at 3AM. You’ll feel like you’re starring in your own clothing advert, “From Arctic Chill to Tropical Heat in Seconds!” Play along, it could be a laugh.
- Embrace the Chaos: When the insomnia hits, don’t fight it. Grab a book, binge-watch something silly (preferably not something that will make you cry, you’re already fragile), or just scroll through funny cat videos until your brain tires itself out. You may as well enjoy the sleeplessness if you’re going to be awake anyway!
- Laugh at the Night Sweats: Sure, it’s annoying when you wake up drenched in sweat, but just think of it as your body’s weird way of giving you a free cardio session. Who needs a treadmill when you can just sweat in your sleep? Personally we’d rather avoid both.
- Share Your Misery: Tell your friends all about your wild perimenopause adventures. Not only will they laugh with you (or at you), but you’ll realise you’re not alone in this hot, sleepless boat. Misery loves company, and there’s something cathartic about sharing stories of hormone-fuelled insanity. Worth a bat, surely!?
the final word: perimenopause, you’re a hot mess
So, there you go! Perimenopause, where sleep is optional, night sweats are guaranteed, and your hormones are throwing a party without your permission, and you’re barely invited. It’s chaotic, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s borderline/plainly ridiculous at times. But hey, at least you’re not alone, and there’s something weirdly comforting about knowing that thousands of other people are also awake in the middle of the night, standing in front of the fridge with the doors open, just for a mildly cooling experience. If all else fails, then spite is always a winner, just think about every female you’ve ever hated, and rest easy in the knowledge they’ll go through this too… MWAHAHAHA!
At the end of the day, perimenopause may turn you into a hot mess, but at least it gives you great material for a comedy routine, or at the very least a good laugh with your equally sleep-deprived friends. So, embrace the chaos, keep a fan (and some extra pyjamas) nearby at all times, and ride those hormonal waves because surf’s up. You just never know. Until next time, eve sleep.
sources:
- https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/introduction-to-menopause
- https://onlinemenopausecentre.com/night-sweats/
- https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/how-does-menopause-affect-my-sleep
- https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/can-menopause-cause-depression